Tonight by Cierra Farquharson

I don’t want to play peace maker to my apathy and empathy and explain to people why I even feel the former in the first place …

– C. Farquharson


Tonight i dont feel like being an activist
I dont want to raise my right fist
And fight for rights we disillusioned ourselves into believing we had
I dont want to gather march rally
Or carry a sign
With a clever slogan
or the names faces and dates
Of those slain
I dont want to think about how my brother
Likes juice and candy as much as the next kid
Or how my sister and i shared a joke about orange juice
How both of them look so different
But are still considered niggers
No a ah uh
To soften the blow
I dont feel like being a teacher or a therapist
Imparting lessons I dont even believe anymore
To children ive been conditioned to think
Are guilty because of their choice in clothing
Or  judge them based on their latest social media posting
Telling them, “if you know better u do better”
Then trying to explain why even with training a wallet or a hair pick still looks like a gun
I dont want to tell students it was never safe to run
Or stand still
Or hide or fight
That “standing your ground” currently only works the White way
Or the green way
However you want to see it.
I dont want to have empathy
Or any feelings for the family of the childs body that still laid on the ground
After school was dismissed
Or offer desensitization and rap lyrics
As reasons why kids still traced the bloody outline
After the police finally came
And took him away
I dont want to play peacemaker to my apathy and empathy
And explain to ppl
Why i even feel the former in the first place
I dont want to tell them Trayvon has existed before
That his last name used to be Bell or Hawkins or Harlins, Wallace, or Shakur
That he emigrated from Africa
Thinking hed have it better over here
I dont want to explain my little laugh at the thought
Or find excuses for my cynicism
I dont want to feel tonight
Like i have to carry a borrowed race on my back
And my actions speak for the culture
Or God forbid the culture’s actions speak for me
I dont want to feel angry or disgusted
That ‘Trayvonning’
Is trending
I dont want to feel
Like i do all the other nights
Like i should find a common ground
Or create a middle space for ppl like me
Caught between tryna make it out of my hometown
And not forget where i came from
But knowing neither side accepts me anyway
I dont want to be different
Or the same
Or called out of my name…
By my own people
Cuz white folks aint even callin me
i just want
to be.

Written after ‘the Verdict’ 7-14-13

Copyright CFarquharson 2013